wild & waste

how do you be honest with God?
honest with things that you know break his heart?
things you already know that he knows... but you think that maybe by saying different things out loud. the things he wants to hear, that others want to hear. maybe if you walk the walk he'll think your heart is okay... when it's not.

does God deal with us in black and white?
or does he see that we're mostly, always, gray?
when we tell God "i know im supposed to feel this way about this thing... but i dont..." is he immediately dissappointed in us?
because we know better.
i mean we just said it: "I KNOW im supposed to feel this way..."
or does he realize that no matter how hard we strive, for the rest of our lives we will be living in the tension of sin and righteousness. of lies and the truth. pride and humility. rebellion and obedience.
no matter how hard we want to be white we are only ever gray at best.

but if what rob is saying is true... that prayer IS honesty... then are we really praying by asking to be holier?
shouldn't we be praying simply by staing how UNHOLY we are?
instead of repeating the words "i want to be the number 7, i want to be the number 7." we should be saying "i am the number 3, i am the number 3." and see what that reveals to us.
we find out more truth by confessing what we are than confessing what we want.
everyone wants to be the number 7, who cares. what matters is that you're the number 3.

im going to stop asking God to make me white. to make me the number 7.
instead im going to be honest with him about how i feel about being gray... about being the number 3.
how i feel the tension.
the doubts i have.
the confusion i have.
maybe God will make something of my wild & waste if i finally admit that i have it.