A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains

Heart-suffering because of sin is the best proof that the Holy Spirit dwells in your heart.-Johann Arndt

Do I dare venutre to talk about the ever uncomfortable topic that is SIN? well... yah.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." James 5:16

I'm not about to confess all of my sins to you guys, but I have no shame in admitting that I do struggle with some HUGE reoccuring sins. Sins I continually repent from and ask God to reveal the root of. Pastor Mark emphasizes the importance of not trying to hide your sins. I'm NOT perfect, I will NEVER be perfect. The only thing that differentiates me from someone who is not a Christian is that I have confessed my sins to Jesus and asked for forgivness. He died to pay my debt of sin, and without that I would spend eternity in hell, seperated from God. But because he did I can be forgiven and reconciled with God.

Over the last few weeks I have taken steps to break the habit of one reoccuring sin in particular. I have been asking for the Holy Spirit to fill me daily, to give me strength, wisdom and discernment. I have been reading scripture and asking God to reveal to me the root(s) of my sin so I can correct them. And while I feel I have done a fairly good job of getting out of the habit that was causing me to sin, that's just half of it.

It would be like if I were a smoker... and in an effort to quit I threw away all of my ciggerettes. Even though I desperately want to quit (because it disgusts me), my body still craves it and I need (God-given) strength to not go to the grocery store and buy more ciggerettes. So it's been a week or two and I have not had a ciggerette, hooray! I am doing a good job at getting rid of the habit. But everyday the cravings are still present. And one day while I'm grocery shopping I happen to go through the tabacco check out and immediatley I'm in a quick sand pit of temptation. I buy a pack and smoke them for the rest of the day. The next day I wake up, realize what I have done, throw the rest away and get back on the path to quitting.

What I have learned over the last few weeks is that there is more than one way that sin bonds us. The first way we start to get rid of it is with a desire to quit. We know our sin is wrong, we feel convicted and (hopefully) have some community correcting us and encouraging us to repent. So we start to break our ties to our habit. We throw away the bottle, cancel our subscription or stop hanging out with our boyfriend/girlfriend alone. What we're really doing is the most basic and physical way to avoid sin by literally avoiding temptation. We still crave the booze, the porn or the sex (or whatever you struggle with). But we have a desire to change and are moving away from the physical opportunities to sin.

Now, I was foolish to think that this was enough. I was thrilled when a week went by and I had not let myself be tempted by my (one particular) sin. But just like the smoker in the grocery store, we will all eventually have to face temptation again, face to face. Just because you have removed the habit doesn't mean you have removed the craving. So how do we remove the craving? Do we ever? Do these strong, fleshly desires ever subside?

"[16]So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law..."

..."[24]Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."
Galations 5:16-18, 24-25


I wish I had the solid answer, but I am still in the middle of my experience. But this morning when I woke up I was in despair over my sin of the previous day. I failed... for what felt like the hundredth time and I was so discouraged. I HATED what I had done and I HATED betraying God the way I did. I HATED seperating myself from him. I LOVE God and I want to obey and please him. I was ANGRY with myself. And on my way to church I just started crying, because like John Mark Mcmillian says in "How He Loves Us", "Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy." and later, "If grace is an ocean we're all sinking." God's way of showing me grace was by answering my prayer to him, which was for me to hate my sin as much as he hates it. It's GRACE to feel ANGRY and HATRED toward your sin like I did this morning. It is good to feel despair over being seperated from God, because there is truly nothing more devestating.

So while I'm sorry to say that I don't have a formula for abolishing our sinful desires forever, I can offer words of encouragment. Start everyday NEW, if you did or did not sin yesterday doesn't matter. How are you going to be on gaurd against your sin TODAY? Ask for the Holy Spirit everyday, and never become prideful, because when you think you are "strong" you think you can withstand temptation when really, you can't. Sin is not a mountain that you climb atop and "conquer" once and for all, it's more like driving on a highway. Sometimes you think you're free and clear and then you hit traffic. But the most important thing is where your heart is. Are you convicted by your sin? Are you repenting from it? Are you seeking God and yearning to change? This is the best we can try to be. NEVER let your sin make you so weary that you stop asking for forgivness and give up on God. Let his grace break you each time and you will see a change in your heart.

"God's love is not wearied by our sins and is relentless in its determination that we be cured at whatever cost to us or Him." -C.S. Lewis